BREAKING NEWS: Notes from National Police Convention Discovered!; The Willis Lynn Letter

In light of the political angst that continue to builds in Ferguson, Mo., a national meeting of Police Departments had been held yesterday to provide police officers and police chiefs new training and to give some new research-based orientation of best-practices. Though it was a highly secret training, I was able to sneak in and record a lecture given by guest speaker Willis Lynn, a Police Chief from Barbados. Here are key excerpts from the presentation provided by Officer Lynn.


Ladies and Gentlemen, I greet you here on this gracious day of our lord to solve some of the problems that have begun to arise in our communities. Most of us here have been tasked with managing black communities—preventing insurrections, pumping them into prison pipelines, and clearing our communities of these menaces. It has been noticed that with increasing difficulty, we have been effective in our plan keep the black community tamed. They have been using Smartphones, and their access to social media—the Twitter, Facebook and Instagram– to observe our people with a more-watchful eye. They have sought to undermine us through constant critiques and propaganda; demanding outrageous things such as thorough investigations, equitable treatment, and “Ask-Before-Acting” police policy. It goes without stating that this goes against our Fraternal objectives.

Your invitation reached me in my modest home in Barbados, where we have conducted the finest research using the best statisticians of our time. We have experimented with some of the best, and oldest, methods in keeping communities submissive. Governor George Wallace would exalt us eternally in heaven if my plan was implemented. Certainly my people, your predicament is not unique. The British used the navy to intimidate citizens and sent their citizens to jail for the slightest infractions, so much that we needed to conquer Australia to place them. Earlier civilizations used the Bible as justification to intimidate and imprison—sending citizens to jail for homosexuality or anything akin to it…. Like anal sex.

However, ladies and gentlemen, our societies have become more and more liberal. In America, you have things like “innocent until proven guilty,” and while this had been working for us well, there has been increasing expectation for us to extend these same values to our Negro brethren. This is unacceptable and wholly disrespectful to our forefathers, who tirelessly sailed the seas as captains and shipmen—the first American policemen– to help bring us to the prosperous conditions we live within.

Lately, our order has become sloppy and lazy in maintaining power. Our errors have been exploited by the media because of our inability to deal with when members of our order choose to use deadly force. But if we follow these fool-proof procedures that have been validated by Science, we will become prosperous once again. While I had thought much of this was common sense, the situation in Ferguson, MO. has made me aware that many police departments have not adopted such practiced. I have created several rules to follow for when deadly force is used by our police:

  1. Create proof that demonstrates that the offer was attacked: This is a subtle and difficult rule to follow, mostly because of citizens’ tendency to record our encounters with them. However, if available, always generate bruises that demonstrate proof of resistance and document it. We have a strong precedent for such a practice. Consider the Zimmerman case. While he was not a police officer, his bruises played a significant role in his favorable verdict. Bruises, abrasions, and scratches are little things police officers can create to create a more believable scenario. People believe black people are dangerous; and while the public typically does not even need proof to believe a black man was the aggressor, it’s always a plus if we can provide “definitive proof” of his aggression. Remember, Denzel, ironically a black man, told us best in ‘Training Day’: It’s not what you know; it’s what you can prove!
  2. Harass your citizens during the nighttime: We understand that this is why many of you become cops in the first place! What’s the point of the badge and gun if you can’t wield it from time to time?! This is the best way to remove obstacles that exist with rule one. Zimmerman provided an astonishing model. Smartphone camera visibility drastically reduces during the nighttime. Additionally, at nighttime our research indicates that there are fewer witnesses and bystanders. This enables us to make up stories more seamlessly. It allows us to plant contraband such as weapons and drugs onto the offender. Plus, people outside at night are usually guilty, anyways. And we all know we don’t need witnesses to help close our cases. Witnesses are ONLY a deterrent to police power. Do what you can to avail yourself of them! And while many of you on daytime duty may be disappointed, this is the best way to protect all of us.
  3. Improve target shooting for Police Officers: The firestorm in Ferguson, MO. is the result of many issues gone wrong, but c’mon ladies and gentlemen. Let’s be honest: the reason why so many people are up in arms is because of the numerous shots that have been allegedly shot. This would have been an otherwise harmless shooting of another Negro male if our police officers were better marksmen. By improving the shooting aim of our police force, thereby improving their efficiency, we can reduce the number of grievances but still maintain the authority we so desperately need. One shot? We can, at worst, spin that as an “accident.” Six shots look like murder. You do not want to put us—or yourself– in that position.


These methods are tried and true. I urge our police force to keep it simple. We have been getting away with murdering black men and women for centuries now, and we cannot afford a few misguided and ill-prepared police departments to squander so much of our efforts.

If we continue to stumble, police officers will be under just as much surveillance as civilians are, which defies our purpose in becoming cops. If we persists with such reckless behavior, police departments will be replete with men and women of color, and we cannot trust them in our fight to keep colored people powerless. Our society has already gutted their communities of worthwhile jobs and taken their access to education. It is our duty to close the coffin (no pun intended). The criminal justice system is where the cycle is complete, and we are on ground zero of that construction site. Follow these rules, and the objective of our Fraternal Order will be complete!


            At the end of the presentation, an officer raised his hand to ask whether they could solve these problems by simply following the law. Chief Lynn responded by suggesting that African Americans have used the law to get almost anything they want from government subsidies to affirmative action. He continued by blaming black people for larger governments and increased spending that has crippled the economy. Finally, he concluded that by instilling fear into black communities from rising against the most fundamental form of the law—its’ police—it serves as an everyday incentive to maintain the status quo, which benefits the majority of Americans. “How can we impose order if they don’t fear us?” Chief Lynn rhetorically posed.

“How can we maintain order if WE fear THEM?” One asked. Silence ensued.

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