BREAKING NEWS: Notes from National Police Convention Discovered!; The Willis Lynn Letter

In light of the political angst that continue to builds in Ferguson, Mo., a national meeting of Police Departments had been held yesterday to provide police officers and police chiefs new training and to give some new research-based orientation of best-practices. Though it was a highly secret training, I was able to sneak in and record a lecture given by guest speaker Willis Lynn, a Police Chief from Barbados. Here are key excerpts from the presentation provided by Officer Lynn.


Ladies and Gentlemen, I greet you here on this gracious day of our lord to solve some of the problems that have begun to arise in our communities. Most of us here have been tasked with managing black communities—preventing insurrections, pumping them into prison pipelines, and clearing our communities of these menaces. It has been noticed that with increasing difficulty, we have been effective in our plan keep the black community tamed. They have been using Smartphones, and their access to social media—the Twitter, Facebook and Instagram– to observe our people with a more-watchful eye. They have sought to undermine us through constant critiques and propaganda; demanding outrageous things such as thorough investigations, equitable treatment, and “Ask-Before-Acting” police policy. It goes without stating that this goes against our Fraternal objectives.

Your invitation reached me in my modest home in Barbados, where we have conducted the finest research using the best statisticians of our time. We have experimented with some of the best, and oldest, methods in keeping communities submissive. Governor George Wallace would exalt us eternally in heaven if my plan was implemented. Certainly my people, your predicament is not unique. The British used the navy to intimidate citizens and sent their citizens to jail for the slightest infractions, so much that we needed to conquer Australia to place them. Earlier civilizations used the Bible as justification to intimidate and imprison—sending citizens to jail for homosexuality or anything akin to it…. Like anal sex.

However, ladies and gentlemen, our societies have become more and more liberal. In America, you have things like “innocent until proven guilty,” and while this had been working for us well, there has been increasing expectation for us to extend these same values to our Negro brethren. This is unacceptable and wholly disrespectful to our forefathers, who tirelessly sailed the seas as captains and shipmen—the first American policemen– to help bring us to the prosperous conditions we live within.

Lately, our order has become sloppy and lazy in maintaining power. Our errors have been exploited by the media because of our inability to deal with when members of our order choose to use deadly force. But if we follow these fool-proof procedures that have been validated by Science, we will become prosperous once again. While I had thought much of this was common sense, the situation in Ferguson, MO. has made me aware that many police departments have not adopted such practiced. I have created several rules to follow for when deadly force is used by our police:

  1. Create proof that demonstrates that the offer was attacked: This is a subtle and difficult rule to follow, mostly because of citizens’ tendency to record our encounters with them. However, if available, always generate bruises that demonstrate proof of resistance and document it. We have a strong precedent for such a practice. Consider the Zimmerman case. While he was not a police officer, his bruises played a significant role in his favorable verdict. Bruises, abrasions, and scratches are little things police officers can create to create a more believable scenario. People believe black people are dangerous; and while the public typically does not even need proof to believe a black man was the aggressor, it’s always a plus if we can provide “definitive proof” of his aggression. Remember, Denzel, ironically a black man, told us best in ‘Training Day’: It’s not what you know; it’s what you can prove!
  2. Harass your citizens during the nighttime: We understand that this is why many of you become cops in the first place! What’s the point of the badge and gun if you can’t wield it from time to time?! This is the best way to remove obstacles that exist with rule one. Zimmerman provided an astonishing model. Smartphone camera visibility drastically reduces during the nighttime. Additionally, at nighttime our research indicates that there are fewer witnesses and bystanders. This enables us to make up stories more seamlessly. It allows us to plant contraband such as weapons and drugs onto the offender. Plus, people outside at night are usually guilty, anyways. And we all know we don’t need witnesses to help close our cases. Witnesses are ONLY a deterrent to police power. Do what you can to avail yourself of them! And while many of you on daytime duty may be disappointed, this is the best way to protect all of us.
  3. Improve target shooting for Police Officers: The firestorm in Ferguson, MO. is the result of many issues gone wrong, but c’mon ladies and gentlemen. Let’s be honest: the reason why so many people are up in arms is because of the numerous shots that have been allegedly shot. This would have been an otherwise harmless shooting of another Negro male if our police officers were better marksmen. By improving the shooting aim of our police force, thereby improving their efficiency, we can reduce the number of grievances but still maintain the authority we so desperately need. One shot? We can, at worst, spin that as an “accident.” Six shots look like murder. You do not want to put us—or yourself– in that position.


These methods are tried and true. I urge our police force to keep it simple. We have been getting away with murdering black men and women for centuries now, and we cannot afford a few misguided and ill-prepared police departments to squander so much of our efforts.

If we continue to stumble, police officers will be under just as much surveillance as civilians are, which defies our purpose in becoming cops. If we persists with such reckless behavior, police departments will be replete with men and women of color, and we cannot trust them in our fight to keep colored people powerless. Our society has already gutted their communities of worthwhile jobs and taken their access to education. It is our duty to close the coffin (no pun intended). The criminal justice system is where the cycle is complete, and we are on ground zero of that construction site. Follow these rules, and the objective of our Fraternal Order will be complete!


            At the end of the presentation, an officer raised his hand to ask whether they could solve these problems by simply following the law. Chief Lynn responded by suggesting that African Americans have used the law to get almost anything they want from government subsidies to affirmative action. He continued by blaming black people for larger governments and increased spending that has crippled the economy. Finally, he concluded that by instilling fear into black communities from rising against the most fundamental form of the law—its’ police—it serves as an everyday incentive to maintain the status quo, which benefits the majority of Americans. “How can we impose order if they don’t fear us?” Chief Lynn rhetorically posed.

“How can we maintain order if WE fear THEM?” One asked. Silence ensued.

Republican Party… and Bulls**t

*Disclaimer. I am not connected or affiliated with any political party*

Without stating the obvious, the government shutdown this year is bound to affect millions of Americans directly and indirectly. The government lacking appropriations and labor-hours will eventually affect the provision of pell grants, student loans, and early-education programs like Head Start– things that will disproportionately affect those in the middle-class and below. As of today, the government is broke man waiting for his FEMA check to arrive, filled with IOU’s, “I’m sorry’s” and “our bad’s” that, quite honestly, the American people will allow them to do. Fact is, people have no faith in our representatives anymore and mayhem like this is not only non-surprising to anyone who even remotely pays attention to the news, but it is almost expected.

The leaders in the GOP are either insanely genius and calculated, or are the most disconnected, mind-numb people on the planet. If they make any progress in the eyes of the American people hence forth I will be stunned. Republican leaders had to see this coming since last November. And all I have been thinking is: “Is this the best strategy you could come up with in 11 months.” I know 11 year-olds that could probably figure better.

Furthermore, the government shutdown is a product of party politics, which America has always been. However, recently, party strategy has been more about doing things that deliberately attempt to sabatoge the other party to create negative press instead of using the American people, groundswell and grass-roots campaigns to sway public opinion; it’s a ‘rich’ (another word for lazy) way of doing politics . However, I really want to assume that GOP members are rational thinkers. Putting my GOP thinking cap on, I’ve determined their cost/risk analysis can be parametricized as:

“We like their chances in swaying public opinion over the Affordable Care Act, and democrats in general, through waging a government shutdown much better than we like our chances in gaining political clout from the law being passed. Thus, shutting down the government to prevent funding, paychecks, and access to lands to millions of Americans (indefinitely) is worth the wage in what– in our  interpretation– is government intrusion, rising insurance costs, and reductions in employment. “ *In my GOP voice*

Willing to take the ship down with them

While the GOP will publicly blame Democrats for the shutdown, it is clear that they consider the shutdown—and the lives it will affect—as necessary casualties. Point blank, the GOP has taken the country hostage, and you have to believe that, strategically, party leaders considered this the absolute best option, because it’s a pretty shitty move.

The republicans are fucked. That’s pretty much it. The Bush administration—mostly the war and the economy—have turned the party into a waste-land. Their most legitimate leader, John McCain, lost his opportunity mostly because of bad timing and a hellified grassroots campaign by the Obama administration. Coming down the pike is likely the first female President in an increasingly liberal republic, with a youth demographic heavy in democratic support only to grow in age and number.

As if those realities were not impending enough, the Obama adminstration is about the pass the first major health care reform in a half-century, with any judgment about it’s success being utterly premature by the midterm elections. Thus, the year of 2014 would be a year of Democrats boasting health care reform (in spite of GOP resistance) and a continuously-waning mass appeal of the men and women in red, making two years of Republican leadership look like a complete failure, unable to get any major republican agendas pulled through or any Democratic agendas blocked all the while taking blame for a massive government shutdown.  To save face, their best option is somehow to make the Dems responsible for a government shutdown as the only legitimate ammo for the 2014 midterm elections. But this game comes at a cost.

The democrats have delivered the sabatoge to the GOP in the most painful way possible—the right way. They trusted that “we, the people” would assist in delivering the blow in a way that make antics and theatrics unnecessary. Not because the republicans are bad people, not because they don’t care about Americans, but because the Democratic agenda right now is best in-line with what the people want for better or worse. The republicans look like sore losers, like people falling looking for imaginary handles to grab on their way down. But instead of bowing down, taking the respectable and hard-fought loss, they’ve decided they’re going to take anyone caught in the net—democrats, citizens, even weapon-permits—with them.

And its all to preserve the party. But this wont be the first or last example of how our affiliations trump real-world solutions. It isn’t right, but I understand.